Date: 24th November 2012
Time: around 12 A.M
Pain started again in my belly and back. I have been in this condition for a week and a half now. The pain was so severe that I woke up from sleep and couldn’t lie down neither could I sit. I got up and began to walk around my bed. I know I had to hold on and be patient until the pain vanishes away, not completely but till it becomes bearable. This was the usual every night, sometimes I woke up at 2 sometimes at 3 and sometimes I couldn’t sleep at all! But this night was slightly different. Tonight’s pain was the most intense. I have been thinking about death all the time during my illness and I was thinking about it tonight too.
While walking I was just wishing that I have a long life and I would never do any sin again. I was thinking of praying every Salah on time. I was thinking of my purpose in life, have I fulfilled my purpose or did I even not come close? My school friend died when he was almost 19. I was 22 and was really hoping to be 23 and 24 and on and on.
The pain was still severe and my hand was on my back pressing it hard. It was cold too but I didn’t care. Kept walking and thinking about my life. Human being is so weak! We have entire systems installed in our bodies which work day and night and if there is even a slightest disturbance, even a little tiny disturbance, the whole body suffers. It is as if we are remote controlled and someone up there is holding our remote controllers in his hands. We don’t know when he presses the button and we drop on floor. Imagine a toy soldier busy firing guns and suddenly the kid pull the batteries out! The poor dead soldier!
The pain continued but I was not able to stand now. I sat on bed and started lying in different positions hoping that the pain become merciful. I could visualize the pain being angry and violent. Allaah was the only hope. I wonder how at the end of the day it’s only Allaah and the person alone. When the bell rings every kid starts loving his teacher!
I wonder how the angel of death looks like. He was there somewhere near my house! I didn’t know that but he was there. I once heard in a lecture that when the soul is afraid the death is like pulling wet wool out forcefully which is wrapped around a thorny branch! The soul doesn’t want to go, it needs some more time but its time is up. When the angel of death pulls it out, the soul try to resist and it hold on to every single hair on the person’s body! But it has to go if not today, tomorrow!
The worst thing is that we don’t know when the bell will ring but if we think again it’s the best thing! We don’t know when we die so we keep on remembering Allaah and live our life peacefully. But if we knew when we will die, then most of the time we would live by our own desires until the final time comes. And who knows better than ourselves that how miserable is the life of desires! And then we would wait for death, but death waits for time and we stay miserable! But when the death comes it would be the same like the wet wool and the thorny branch and the soul holding on to every single hair! Man never wants to die unless he fulfills the purpose he was created for. And then he dies smiling!
Tonight the angel of death is here. I am on my bed changing positions and then I got one! It felt good to lie like that. The pain was slowly fading away. But the angel of death is still doing his work! I was tired so my eyes were closing and sleep overtook me.
In morning I woke up fresh. The slight pain was still there but overall it was okay. And then I heard the news that the old lady two houses across ours has died last night, at the same time when I was thinking about death! The angel of death was here, near my house, but he overlooked me and took another soul whose time was up! And I lived but she died…